Have you ever wondered where you fit in your family? As we get older I think we loose that place where we once fit. I feel so alien with my family some times. Like I am the one that it is easiest to forget or to not ignore exactly but gloss over, like an afterthought. I blend in with the furniture and seem to dissappear. I have two very beautiful and outgoing sisters who seem to be so vivid and so full of "look at me" I feel so frumpy and old and fat next to them. They both have beautiful little babies that along with a niece and her beautiful little baby always seem to steal the show. I have no cute little baby (not that I want one) or that ability to make everyone want to spend time with me.
I was always the good kid. I got straight A's, I did not date. I was the peacemaker and spent my time doing school work or reading. I loved cars, like my dad, so he would take me places and I felt a connection with him. I did not have a lot of friends as I was shy and had a hard time moving outside my comfort zone (I still do).
My mom and sister get to spend time together as neither of them work. They seem to have so much fun and I feel so left out. My other sister just has a lot going on in her life and demands the attention. My brother is always knee deep in problems that need solving. I am just me.
My mom tries to involve everyone and I love her even more for her efforts but when you have the choice of beautiful and interesting over frumpy and fat I know who I would choose.
This is not a pity me party (mom don't freak out), just mussings over how, as we get older, our place seems to shift and adjust. When we once felt like we mattered in the grand scheme we now find that we are less than we thought.
If we do get to come back, once this life is done, I want to be pretty and interesting.... not frumpy and fat and boring.
Just a thought
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2 comments:
wow. i won't say that i am not a little hurt by this. i am sorry that you feel so hurt all the time. i am so sorry that you feel that nobody likes you, or that nobody wants to spend time with you.
it's all about perspectives though. while you were busy with your babies, i was wishing that i was a grandchild. while you were busy getting your degree, i am wondering if i ever will. while you are busy with a career and making your own money, i wonder how we will make it another month.
the sad truth is, we always think that it is greener on the other side. we always wish for what we don't think we have.
i dont' care what shape you are. i don't care how frumpy or classy anyone looks. you are my family. that means more than the size of pants you wear. i wish you felt the same way about me.
the only one that can take away how much you do matter, is yourself. don't sell yourself short because of the way someone treated you. don't close up because you feel like you can't compair. you need to understand and realize who you are. and that you are worth more than that. that you ARE a beautiful woman. that you have done incredible things with your life so far. that you are raising 4 great kids. that you are overcoming and dealing with more than most people do their whole life. don't EVER let anyone tell you different. you need to shine.
and you fit. who else could be as quirky as the rest of us?
Sorry
did not mean to hurt your feelings, as I said it was just mussings. You are right we all have different perspectives.
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